I was raised Catholic; baptized as an infant, received first communion, and made confirmation. But as I grew up and life got busy my relationship with the church faded.
Life was filled with sports, travel, friends and family. Through middle school and high school we visited church on Christmas and Easter, and a handful of days in between.
In college, I searched a little bit to find a church community, even attending Summit when it was first starting on the campus of Florida Gulf Coast University. But I didn’t find a home. I was too preoccupied with collegiate basketball, drinking, partying, and friends.
Life continued, and in 2011, I retired from the NYPD on a job-related disability, eventually moving back to Southwest Florida. I was a bit of a lost soul, searching for something I thought would make me happy. I bounced around to a few different careers but felt trapped, mentally.
In 2014, I was 275 pounds, drinking heavily, and in a lot of pain both physically and mentally. I realized that I was carrying inside of me a lot of resentment, judgement and anger. I began self-medicating with marijuana, thinking this was a healthy alternative to excessive alcohol consumption.
“I realized that I was carrying inside of me a lot of resentment, judgement and anger. ”
Between 2014 and 2020, I believed I was in control of my life, my emotions, and my thoughts. I prayed and made attempts at attending church, but I always put my own needs before a relationship with Christ. I was good at justifying my sins. I thought God would approve of me if I tried to be a good person and prayed.
In August, several significantly negative personal and professional events consumed my life. After increasing my marijuana use significantly, I wondered if it was now time to stop. The approach I took, coupled with a downward spiral into depression, caused me two have several debilitating panic attacks in September.
While all were serious, one in particular caused me to sustain physical injuries. During the episode, I was certain I was dying and eventually caused myself to believe that I had. Barely breathing, my heart racing, I faded in and out of consciousness several times. During the two-hour panic attack, my wife and I prayed loudly to God. Lying on the shower floor, I felt myself pass, but was woken with a jolt and tingling throughout my body. I was breathing and claiming that the Holy Spirit was here. Fading in and out of consciousness several times, I experienced many things I could not explain.
Jeremiah saw me a few days later unable to walk, depressed, lost, confused, and having experienced something I struggled to put into words. We prayed together, and in those moments I vocalized my need for Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I repented from my sins, and the 37 years I walked alone, acknowledging that Jesus is Lord and Savior. For the first time in my life, I truly understood how and why Jesus died on the cross, for me, and for my sins, knowing that only He can save me.
“For the first time in my life, I truly understood how and why Jesus died on the cross, for me, and for my sins, knowing that only He can save me. ”
I had truly believed I lived a Christian life. I now know that it lacked real faith in Jesus, and that no amount of good deeds would have ever been enough.
I am incredibly excited for my relationship with Jesus to begin and for the opportunity to be baptized now as an adult. I look forward to the next 37 years and am hopeful in knowing that I won’t walk alone.